A break up journal

[kappa84]

This thread I want to be a journal. A journal for a possible break up between me and my girl. But first, let me introduce you in the story.

We've met almost five years ago in a pub, I was a little drunk so I had the guts to go over to her table and ask her for a dance. We've danced about 4 hours, we liked each other so the next day we met again. And the day after, and after, and after....

I felt inlove for her badly, I almost break up any relationship with my parents, she was the single person on Earth that I saw.

This 5 years were like any relationship, with ups and downs, a few fights and a lot of love. We had our bad and good moments, we talk about moving together, about becoming a real family and so on. Not to forget, I am almost 26 and she's 28, in october this year will be 29.

First problem is that I cheat a lot. Oh my God, I like having multiple partners, all kind of women, young girls, MILFs etc. Still, that doesn't mean that I do not love her, but contrary, I love her a lot and I care about her. Anyway, she never suspected something, I never changed towards her, I always kept distance with my mistresses and never involved in something more than one night stands.

Lately, she started to annoy me with the above "moving together and becoming a family" issue, and that pisses me off a lot, I'm not prepared for this, God dammit!

A few months ago, I've met a girl. She is absolutely incredible, I enjoy chatting with her, holding her all night in my arms and speaking all kind of rubbish, and most of all, when it comes to having sex it's unbelievable. I never met a girl like her.

Coming back to my actual girl, all things related to her now seem to become something almost repulsive. I do not enjoy staying with her anymore, I don't like how she thinks anymore, all the things that I liked about her vanished. Vanished like they've never been there. When I'm with her the only thing that I can think about is how to get rid of her and go to the new one.

Yesterday, my bad thoughts were amplified: she said that she wants a baby at 29, doesn't want to hit 30 without having a baby. I got angry inside, I haven't let her to see that, all I could do was to start laughing. I was laughing nervous, like a weid person.

And then I realized: I don't want to spend my entire life with her, maybe neither with the other, I'm just not prepared for this type of commitment. I will break up with her in the end, but I do not want to make her suffer, I mean, I care about her and I do not want to break her soul in pieces. Hey, I'm not a bad guy at all.

Tonight I go visit my beautiful girl, hope to spend a wonderful time with her. What I'm saying? I'm sure will spend some extraordinary time with her. In the meanwhile, thinking how to make my actual relation break up from itself, or from her part. I do not want to be the one that says: STOP!

I'll update almost daily this journal, if you're interested in my continuous story.

Please, feel free to ask questions, I'm opened to anything you might say.

[Alena]

And if you don't update it for a couple of days... we can consider you dead, right?

[kappa84]

I'll do it almost daily, Alena. You don't get rid of me so fast.

Last night was incredible incredible incredible. I went to her apartment, drank a bottle of a fine red wine, chat for 2-3 hours followed by 3-4 hours of wild hot sex. It really was a lusty night, filled with passion and desire from both sides. Got to bed at 5:30 AM, woke up at 7 AM. I'm a little exhausted now but my thoughts can't leave her.
My actual one, I phoned her yesterday, told her I'm very tired and not in the mood for a date so she haven't stressed me with phones after 9 PM. Of course, she didn't call me this morning like she always does, I'm sure she actually feels something weird is going on.

But, what the heck, it's what I want right now and nobody and no one can stop me. I could break up with her today if I knew that I wouldn't break her soul in pieces, so I must make this happening like our relationship is getting cold, don't want to know that I've found another one that I'm inloved with...

[kappa84]

I haven't told you that this girl I meet now knows about my relationship, have I? It seems I forgot this to tell.

Well, last night she somehow induced me the feeling that she wants to be the only one, I might be wrong, but that's what I felt. Tonight when we meet I'm going to try pull more words on this idea from her mouth.

[Michael]

Good luck with that!

[kappa84]

Thanks mate, it seems that things are getting messier than they were before...

[kappa84]

Ok, so last night we spoke about 2 hours about this issue. She said that she feels frustrated being 3rd wheel and she's ready to move ahead in our relationship. Of course, she asked me if I'm also into having a normal relation with her, so I told her I must first break up with my girl and that could take some time.

Now I'm thinking how to do that, I expect a phone from my girl to meet her but I kinda' don't have the guts to tell her "let's have a little break"... I think I'll say I'm sick so that I can't go out and that we'll meet next week. Just to make her angrier, maybe she'll say first that she had enough with me.

Still, I feel nothing but mercy for her, no more other feelings are involved...

[kappa84]

I'm drunk. I'm so chicken to tell her we need a break so I had to get drunk and text her an sms. She called me, crying, broke my heart but had to keep my head up and don't come back in my decision. Then her phone battery died, interrupting our conversation. Waiting for her call again, don't know if I can answer and hear her crying again...

Damn it's so hard...

[kappa84]

It was a long and painful night. She text me a couple of minutes ago, she couldn't get sleep at all, she cried all night..Am I a jerk? I mean, should I had continue this relation even if things were going down? Come on, judge me. Please.

[Alena]

You should have done this along time ago, when you first started cheating on her... when you cheat on someone, something is not working in that relationship. But since you've done this now, you can't go back. Just tell her that you feel bad about it. Tell her that you'd rather that she hated you, instead of you hating yourself for still being with her and lying to her.
What happened next?