Different rules apply

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  cilocyber 3 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #26063

    cilocyber
    Member

    Hi

    My partner and i have been together for 10 years now. We have lived together for nine of those. I am two years older than her. We have never broken up but have threatened to do so a few times.

    Sicne we have been together she has always been very jealous of any girls that i become friendly with and as a result i have ZERO female friends. She gets angry when women she knows are chatty or a bit flirty with me even though it is obvious nothing will happen. If i add a new female friend on Facebook she will immediately question who the person is and where i know them from. The most recent being a person that i worked with years ago.

    12 months ago, she moved out of our flat as she began to work in Copenhagen, we were living in Oxford at the time. She did not ask me if it was ok with me and simply made a unilateral decision. Something along the lines of “I am moving there, it’s my choice. And if you want to be with me then you will join me there towards the end of the year.” We had been intending on moving abroad somewhere, so it’s not really as bad as it sounds. Though i do know that if i were to make such a decision, alone then it would probably be the end of us. Regardless, i would never and i mean never even dream of doing that. My family are in the southern hemisphere and hers in Europe. I had suggested moving to Oz or even Canada but she simply refused saying she wants to be near her family and also that are not job prospects for her in those places. So a blunt NO.

    Now, i have gone along with this plan and i am moving to Denmark in two weeks. But now, in the finally moment i am starting to wonder if it’s a good idea.

    Some back story: At a party 13 months ago, when she was still in Oxford, she was chatting to this guy. When i approached the guys was completely rude to me in the most obvious “bloke bitchy” way. Anyhow, after the party she told me he was a weirdo because he was always oggling her at work and then at the party when she said hi he pretended not to know who she was. But apparently he told her he was also going to Copenhagen and they should hang out there since neither of them will know anyone.

    So all of this year whilst i have been here, she has been seeing this guy, with and without other people present. She has also had male friends form Oxford visit her. And she has made other male friends, there that she sees very often. She does have female friends too though. She does not always see them alone but i’d say its probably fifty fifty. And she does let on that most of these guys fancy her a bit. I know that two of the guys from Oxford who visited here would snatch her in a heartbeat if they got the chance. I know that part of what she gets out of it is a self-esteem boost because she is always telling me that she thinks she is fat etc. I have tiend to make her understand, in every imaginable way that she is beautiful, and it is easy for me to say because it is true. But she won’t take my words or actions seriously enough to let them make a positive change in the way she views herself.

    I have spoken to her and told her i am very uncomfortable with her having all these guy friends and even more so when i know that in any moment of weakness on her part most of these guys will not think twice about capitalising.

    Her response is that i should not care about what they think or feel because it is her i have to trust, and i know this is true. But it still does not sit right with me, no matter how hard i try to be the bigger person. Another thing is that at every opportunity, most of these male friends of hers are total assholes to me and i know it is because they, for the most part, see me as an obstacle. But i try to rise above it. When visiting her once in Copenhagen i saw a message on her Skype, i don’t spy on her phone or pc but it was open and i was sitting there and just looked at the screen. The message went something like. “Hey you. I hear the weather is going to be great this week and i would love to go to the beach. So i immediately thought of you. Fancy it?” This was supposed “weirdo” guy friend. If she had seen a message from a girl to me that went along those lines she would probably break up with me? Am i mad???

    Now i have never been a jealous person, and i mean never. I know exactly what kind of a beast jealously is and how it can ruin things. But over time i am starting to feel this thing ware away at my patience.

    What bothers me most is when i think about how jealous she is. To put in perspective: When she was still in Oxford she threw a massive scene at a pub once. The reason was that she cycled past a pub were i was after playing football, and there were some girls at a table about 3 meters from our table(where there were only football guys). She walked up, yelled something, and then jumped on her bike and cycled off. Of course i had to run after her. I know that if there were girls sitting at the table, it would have been horrific. Even though i may not even have been talking to them or know who they are.

    I have spoken to here about it, tried to deal with it in my head, tried to ignore it and i have even gone so far as to start believing that there is something wrong with me.

    I need to figure out what to do and i need someone to tell me that i am not crazy, because i know how lucky i am to have her and to have had her for so long but over time i have gradually begun to feel emasculated. It feels as though there is nothing to do but to accept that i am subservient to her and ultimately i have to play by the rules that she dictates.

    There really are different rules for the both of us in a vast number of senses, but it is this one that seems to be getting to me and making me doubt things.

    Thank you for reading, i know this has been awfully long-winded. Though it has been kind of therapeutic penning it.

    #40563

    admin
    Keymaster

    Cilocyer,
    Thanks for sharing this quite interesting dilemma. You are the best person to make a decision on weather to proceed with your planned move to Copenhagen but from you description of where things stands between you and your partner, one side seem to be giving more than the other side which in itself should not be a problem if the relationship has a very firm footing.
    Giving the fact that the move to Copenhagen was unilateral and possibilities of you partner may have a make friend she is very close to I will think very carefully before making the move to join her, you still have two week to mull it over.

    #40874

    jonathan2340
    Member

    great. I will definitely follow all these rules. Thanks a lot for this one sharing with us.

    #41041

    rachelljhall
    Member

    I am thinking that is good to know about how you feel and you she feel. Feeling about each other always matter in long term relationship

    #41043

    Following such rules like this will make our relationship strong, sometime for new one they don’t know how important relationship or commitment is, we all know that it is sacred and eternally.
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